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cattriloquist (n.) - one who talks with a feline, supplying both sides of the conversation. Cattriloquism does not have to be on public display; oftentimes it occurs in private.

It is unknown when exactly cattriloquism began, but experts in the field strongly believe that ancient Egyptians were the first cattriloquists.

The first recorded case of cattriloquism dates back to the summer of 1987 when Mrs. Honey Scranton came home to find her husband in conversation with someone she couldn’t yet see. Her husband, Paul, was seated at the dining table with his back to her. Someone must have been just beyond, seated at the opposite head of the table, blocked from Mrs. Scranton’s view. At first she thought it might be one of their children—but not only were all the little ones away at camp, her husband was actually talking back to himself in a slightly different voice, a voice, Mrs. Scranton was frightened to admit later, which sounded stupid. It was a dumb voice, and had her husband taken in a waif off the street? He had not, for when Mrs. Scranton, at last fed up with standing in the entryway watching the back of her husband’s head, entered the dining room and walked around the table, she saw seated opposite her husband the family cat, Puffball. Puffball, a white Persian, had his paws on the edge of the table, and when Mrs. Scranton approached the animal did not once turn to look at her. Puffball’s attention was entirely on Paul, who continued to talk without noticing his wife. 

“Oh really?” Mr. Scranton was saying. “You don’t like it here at all?”

“No, I don’t. Not one bit,” Mr. Scranton then said in the stupid-voice.

“But, Puffer,” he then said in his regular, human voice, “look around you. Look at all the luxuries you have. Think of all the other cats in the world who don’t have it half as good as you do.”

“You think I care about other cats? I’m all id, human.”

“Puffer, I have a name. It’s Paul.”

“I can’t understand you…”

“You can too understand me. You’re just choosing not to understand me when it suits you.”

Finally Mrs. Scranton, who had been standing to the side of the table staring down at the two, stepped in.

“Paul, what are you doing?”

Her husband looked up. He didn’t seem embarrassed at all. Quite calmly he said, “I’m trying to reason with Puffball here. He wanted to air his grievances to me.”

Mrs. Scranton looked at the cat, which was now on the floor licking itself.

“Paul, honey…”

“Yes, Honey?”

“I think we need to talk about getting you out of the house more.”

in use: “I finally found out Meowzer doesn’t like that new scented litter.”

“He started sneezing, huh?”

“No. He talked with Sally. He was able to explain everything to her, and she understood everything he said. She’s really becoming quite the cattriloquist.”